It all starts with a question. Most of us care only about our small surroundings which consists of home, family, friends and business .. But when you realize that you are living in a universe of an infinite size, when you realize that your life is not as valuable as you thought it was because it is so small compared to the universe.. it is merely scattered dust in a galaxy.. when you realize that, something in you will urge you to ask:

"If my life is so trivial and short, why would I want to spend it in a constant search for that one thing that ensures my health or my comfort? What is the point of spending my life trying to provide a sense of security when you can never come out of this life alive anyway?" When you give yourself permission to think multi-dimensionally you'll see that the possibilities are infinite .. And you will ask: "So, what is it that I really want?”

"I started asking myself that question since I was in high school but I was busy attempting to walk the path that my parents and society expected me to go through. I tried hard and I blamed everything and everyone about the fact that I thought I was obliged to try so hard .. After several years the question: "what do I really want" started knocking on my door stronger than ever.  First I thought  that I would love doing any job available out there as long as it does not include sitting behind a desk.

 I worked in a clothing store, but I found that this is not really what I want to do with my life because I did have priorities that I didn’t know I have..

working as a vendor in a clothing store, I had to memorize all the clothing and their locations. I also had to tell the customer that I think the clothes are great even when I didn’t think that. .. I had to devote a place in my brain for something that i did not care about.

I found that I love music so much. I used to dance a lot... in private parties and elsewhere..

 i was talking to a friend who wanted to help so he said to me: "If you had only three days to live, what would you do??" I Kept asking myself this question for two days and then I felt the answer.. but it seems that I translated it as follows: "I want to become a famous dancer" .. I had the opportunity to enroll for the audition of a TV show  called: “so you think you can dance”

 I prepared myself to take part in the audition, but i was at the same time feeling hesitant and uncomfortable about the whole thing... it just didn’t feel right.. when I sat alone trying to figure out why i was feeling that way i tried the visualization technique.. i imagined myself standing on stage in the show performing someone else's choreography and then being judged by someone whose opinion means nothing to me. i felt that i was better off without all this attention and all this indoctrination.. something in me said that i would be used as a tool for someone else’s financial gain, and that this is what the whole show is about, basically. i felt i realized that I was much more than a puppet performing a choreography designed for me by another person.. in that show u can’t even choose which song you will dance to!!


i felt immense desperation because i had just realized that what i thought was my biggest dream is no longer my biggest dreams. I realized I had to re-assess my priorities all over again because i found that I was no longer certain of any of my goals and desires.. so I brought a pile of papers and and I wrote on each paper “what do I want” and I hanged these papers everywhere on the walls, windows and doors.


I walked around the house asking “what do I want” out loud..  there was one answer that kept repeating itself every time and that answer was “you want to learn how to love”. I felt frustrated at the realization that I am still learning the simplest and most basic thing in life, which is love.


 Humans look down at animals arrogantly and think “I know and the animal does not know”. But truth is that animals are capable of love.. they don’t need to learn how to love because it is their basic instinct. animals love unknowingly for love is not a knowledge nor a system, love is basic intuition. but we have been diverted away from our intuitive nature and we forgot who we are or what our role is.. Look in the eyes of an animal that lives freely in nature, can you see anything but love? I used to have a rabbit.. I’d put him on my belly while im lying and I’d stare into his eyes and he would stare back into my eyes for a whole hour, his eyes fixed into mine. I have seen in the eyes of a rabbit an amount of love that I haven’t seen in many people before. I was in awe.. It was that connection from one soul to another.

Love is not a manual nor a curriculum that anyone is required to follow. It is nature.


So the thing is that I realized that what I want is not going to come to me in a day and a night. And it is not something I can buy from a shop either, nor is it a lesson I can attend at some school, nor a paper I can sign.

I was walking one day in the cozy beautiful streets of the old city of Damascus and I heard guitar playing.. the sound was coming from a small shop that sells music CDs.


I was very attracted to the music and I had just started to realize at the time that I preffer music without lyrics for some reason . I bought the CD and always came back for more..


I found that I liked some of the lyrics of “Loreena Mckennitt” -whose songs I had been introduced to for a while at the time-.. I didn’t like to listen to other lyrics.. I knew later that the reason for this was that I was intuitively cleaning my mind of all rubbish (I now look back and realize that after reading the book “Divine prescriptions” by Doreen Virtue, Doreen would say that I was working by my angels’ advice) the main-stream songs’ lyrics that I used to listen to were meaningless or their meanings were always revolving around desperation and personal misery or emotions and longings that burned fixed in one place, instead of wandering into the soul of the universe. But the lyrics of Loreena spoke about a mysterious and enormous love that neither the body nor the senses can contain… a love that words could only hover around but never touch.


if listening to a melody does not take you back to the silence in your own heart, then it is only a  stirring of noise in the senses and in the mind.,,

I could not listen to the lyrics that talked about a selfish and desperate love anymore.


Now I am going to cite some events and you will connect the dots..


My mother says that I used to draw fishes everywhere when I was one year old.. on the walls and on the drawing board.. I also remember that when I was five years old I used to draw fishes in class. (my mother said that no one taught me how to draw them.)


I love to light up candles and to watch them in the dark.. one day the flame of the candle was rising up so high as if it was pulled by something.. it was very unusual.. the sight of the fire moving and rising high was so wonderful so I kept looking at the flame in the dark while lying in bed until the whole candle melted. I know now that I was in a state of meditation..


when I finally looked away, I saw what looked like a blue fish-shaped light. I rubbed my eyes because I thought that it’s the remainder of the visual effect that the flame’s light had on my eyes.. but the fish-shaped light stayed there.. then it started coming closer to me when I look at it. Then I would feel scared and it would go back to being positioned farther.. I called my friend and I began describing to him what I was seeing and he asked me: “are u still seeing it” I said “yes, it’s there, it is following me wherever I go”.


I was scared and I started telling myself repeatedly “ I don’t ever want to deal with that thing and I don’t want it to come anywhere near me”… so I stopped seeing it..


In that same night I will describe what I saw in my dreams:


(sometimes it happens that what you see in your sleep is a realization and an insight and not just your annoying thoughts being acted out on a screen.)


I saw myself that night lying on the bed.. then I saw that I was walking beside a man in a diving suit and I felt that he was asking me to come with him.. he didn’t use words, But I felt that my action was a response to his desire which was so full of love and respect. We walked on air together crossing one side arriving to the other side where a waterfall was beneath us down the cliff. I looked at the man then I looked down because he wanted me to look down. (again we communicated without words)


the scenery shifted in the blink of an eye: I saw so many dolphins swimming in circles under water and making happy sounds.. I remember until this moment the warm feeling I had in my heart as I was looking at this beautiful scenery for a period of at least 5 minutes. I was smiling the whole time..


Then I found myself lying in bed again and I heard the sound of water so I said in my mind “it must be raining outside”. at the same time the bed and everything around me started vibrating and the vibrations became faster and faster..


The sound of water also came closer until it got very close to my ear.. at that moment I felt that my brain was becoming numb or that something in my head was being taken. When that started to happen I freaked out so I tried to move so that I can look around but I couldn’t move. I knew then that I was asleep because this kind of paralysis happened to me before and I would sooner or later realize that I was “trapped” in a dream..


So I woke up after a lot of struggle and efforts, and I saw myself in my bedroom in the same position I was in in my dream. I was feeling so scared. So I sat and asked myself. “what happened?” the answer that came to my mind was: “we wanted to take you  to swim with the dolphins”


Then I asked “and why was the man wearing the diving suit and who is that man and why did everything start vibrating the way it did?” they said: “do you remember the movie “Contact” (based on a novel written in 1997 by Carl Sagan, an astronomer) .. in this movie “Ellie” the scientist (Jodie foster) wanted to communicate with other life forms in the universe.

 when she takes a ride into the spaceship, the spaceship vibrates so fast as if an explosion is going to take place.. The crew looses contact with Ellie for just fractions of a second whereas she says that she travelled to another planet and met a man.

They told me that the form which the man appeared in was appropriate because seeing a human wearing a diving suit in an oceanic scenery would make it easier for me to respond to the invitation. My mind sees that it’s “logical” that I trust a diver when he asks me to dive.


in the movie,  Jodie Foster had to let go of  the chair she was attached to so she could see what she saw. And when the crew that was responsible of building the spaceship introduced this minor change that they had made on the original design, Ellie inquired: why not trust the original design that included no chair or attachment? They told her that these were necessary procedures they have to take for her own safety..  "minimal protection" they said.


the body is like the chair that Jodie was attached to. The fear of death is attaching us to our bodies. It is the reason why we worry about our basic material needs. It is because we are attached to life on earth and are scared to lose it.


But your spirit cannot be limited by your body..

The body is like the chair that we ride so we can accomplish a certain mission.. so we can have materialistic experiences. Without these experiences our soul cannot mature.. but if the spirit can grow roots in the body  it will grow and spread like a flower’s perfume.


When this shell called “the body” breaks it becomes the fertile soil. In other words, it becomes the tool that you need to embark on your mission… “breaking the shell” simply means breaking the limitation. This is the ultimate death one needs to go through.


When I asked them “why did u show me the dolphins’ scenery for an extended period of time?” they said: “we needed your permission and your feelings of happiness was the answer we got before we started changing the frequencies and vibrations to move you to a different wave-length.. just like when you tune in to a radio signal.


The next day a friend said that “sleep paralysis” is a scientific phenomenon,  and so is the “out of body experience”.


Another friend said that the spirit is usually hanging over the body in most cases during sleep, but in some cases the spirit may wander around the universe to learn and go through experiences that will help it acomplish its mission on earth.


I also went online searching for “swimming with dolphins” and “dolphins symbolism in different cultures”. I found that there were many websites that address the issue of healing through swimming with dolphins. dolphins sounds emit a frequency that heals and realligns bones in the vertebrae.. it is so healing on so many levels.. I also read that dolphins want to teach humans about breathing deeply.


After a while I consulted a friend (who was a chinese medicine  practitioner) about my health and he said that by looking at my facial features he could diagnose that I had mild lung issues and he advised me to breathe deeply filling my belly.


  Back to my story:

i decided to work in organic agriculture field because I had volunteered in this area and I liked it... two of my friends wanted to give me a book on the subject of biodynamic agriculture.


So I met them in a restaurant. We talked about music and I was describing a scenery from the lyrics of the song “caravanserail” by Loreena Mckennitt. my friend noticed that I was describing the scenery with so much enthusiasm so she interrupted me enthusiastically herself saying:  “do u love music”? I answered without any hesitation: “very much!” she said: “then why don’t u take on this path? You think you want to save the world? Just save yourself!”


I thought about what she said and I realized that I wasn’t even daring to think of becoming a musician or a singer because I didn’t think it could happen to me. I mean I knew that it could happen, but the old beliefs that were rooted in me since childhood were still preventing me of thinking about it to a certain degree.. we all, without any exception, hold worn-out beliefs (that we inherited from our parents) that we define ourselves through.


Then this friend wanted to interrupt us all of the sudden to say something but she hesitated because what she was going to say had nothing at all to do with what we were talking about. She even laughed because of how it came out of nowhere to her mind. her friend encouraged her to speak up anyways and said that using sea salt in the shower or in baths is very beneficial to me.


that same day, when I went back home, I decided to return to the book “Goddesses and angels” (by Doreen virtue) which I had left unfinished since some time. I read the chapter that talked about mer-people.


The author speaks in this chapter of how we all have different origins and how we have evolved in different ways, and it is what some cultures call “reincarnation” or “the different past lives that led you to experience this life-form that you have come to experience”. The author says that some have sea origins (meaning that the element of sea-water is most prevalent in their nature because they had preffered to reincarnate –materialistically manifest- in seas for most of the phases of their development).

Here is the paragraph that caught my attention:


“Many of the mer-survey participants described their measures to stay healthy and warm, including taking frequent sea-salt baths, eating kelp or seaweed-based foods, taking frequent vacations in warm tropical locales, and avoiding cold-weathered climate.”




What I finally want to say is that every answer starts with a question. Just ask and follow your intuition and the signs even if you are not sure about what the sign means just go forward. You will find out so much about yourself and you will realize how little you know and that it’s an adventure that hasn’t even started yet.



Me drawing fishes when I was 1 year old


This article has been published in al-bahethon magazine IN ARABIC- February 2012 (number 56)



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